I finally did it. I just updated my Facebook relationship status to Widowed. That was the hardest mouse click I have ever made. Had a good little cry for myself afterwards, not too long.
Yesterday I wrote this rather raw but somewhat brave (and rather over-dramatic) post about Regeneration, and the need to let go. I posted it, but then realized I still hadn’t even changed my Facebook status yet. I tried to change the status yesterday but just couldn’t do it. It hurt too much. So I pulled the post, because I wasn’t there yet.
Today I looked at the Facebook page of a widowed acquaintance and noticed that although he was listed as widowed, his wife was still there in his Relationships list. That, I thought, I could live with. I’ve been holding off on the relationship update because I didn’t want to erase the link. On Facebook you are ‘Married to’ someone, not just ‘Married’. But when you change your status, it doesn’t change to ‘Widowed from’ them, it’s just ‘Widowed’. I didn’t want to sever the link entirely. I just wanted something there, even though Facebook doesn’t matter in any real sense. Knowing that she still would show up in relationships as Wife is good enough.
We are not married in the present tense, only in the past. But she will always be my wife.
So I pulled down the selection, pressed the save button, and had my little cry. One more fingertip released from the cliff edge of denial.
Then I made my brave little post visible again, because it wasn’t quite so much a lie.