Those two lines pretty much sum up my effort in writing this.
Where the heck is tomorrow, anyway? I lost her right at one of the biggest inflection points of our lives, virtually everything is up for grabs. Our children are just grown and out of the house, I’m reasonably healthy. The start-up company that has been struggling for funding will soon either be funded, or abandoned by me (and at this point I’m not even sure which option I prefer). I have no obligations to anybody that couldn’t be solved by selling off the house that’s too big for me anyway. I could liquidate, grab a backpack, and bum around the world for a year if I felt like it, and nobody would be hurt by that.
I don’t have a standing plan I can execute on auto-pilot while I put myself back together. I have to make serious decisions in this year when the experts warn you not to make big decisions because your judgement is faulty. I know my judgement is faulty. At least nobody is depending on me, so if I screw up, I’m only screwing up for myself.
At times I feel like that most unpredictable and dangerous thing, a man with nothing to lose.
But then I have a weekend like the one just past, where I have to juggle my time between family and friends who have popped up out of the woodwork to make sure I’m not stuck home alone wallowing. Come to this contradance! Let’s got to that hockey game! I’ve lost the most important thing in my life, the woman I built my life around, but I haven’t lost absolutely everything.
Still the matter of direction persists. The pull of remembering, the work of grieving that must be done, keeps drawing me backward. I need that, but I need to start on the road forward, too. Those two competing things have to be kept in balance, and it’s a tricky thing for both me and the people around me. I have never been one to draw a lot of meaning from my work. It’s interesting, it pays the bills (well, it’s supposed to pay the bills anyway), but it’s not what I live for.
Real lives are lived only in relation to the people you keep close around you. I’ve lost my compass for that. Right now I’m counting on my friends to point me towards that tomorrow. So far they haven’t let me down once.