Things have been a little rough the last few days. As the numbness continues to wane, things are getting both better and worse. I have been able to enjoy time with family and friends more, but when the grief comes it is noticeably more intense. Sleep also seems a little harder to come by, which has been a surprise. I thought the sleep issues would all manifest up front, but apparently this is not so.
One of the most basic elements in musical theater is the ‘I want’ song. It usually comes fairly early in the first act, and defines the significant desire that one of the characters has which will drive the story arc. Sometimes there are even multiple ones for different characters. Well, if this story is about me, now that we’ve gotten past the overture I need to set the table. I still don’t know where I’m going, or exactly what I’ll find when I get there, but some things I know.
Do I want Great Big Stuff like Freddy in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Not really. (Actually, that’s just an excuse to link to Norbert’s preposterous performance. It was so hysterical we saw it twice, and Barbara caught a third performance by chaperoning a school chorus trip.)
Maybe like Princeton in Avenue Q I need to find my Purpose, but even that seems like too much to expect now. This isn’t the story of the rest of my life. That would be too ambitious, and too ill-defined. This is the trip to the start of that, no more. Maybe that’s my I want for Act 2. For Act 1, my wishes are more basic.
As Natalie sings in maybe (next to normal):I don’t need a life that’s normal- That’s way too far away. But something… Next to normal would be okay.
I will never be ‘over’ the grief, I just want to get to a place where it isn’t the dominant feature of my life.
I want things you don’t normally find in an ‘I want’ song.
When I remember, I want to laugh more often than I cry, and laugh louder and harder than I cry. I want to laugh so hard my sides hurt.
I want to look somebody in they eye and have them return a look that isn’t concern, or sympathy, or empathy, or some other reaction to the grief they see there.
I want to be able to be fully present in the moment, and give as good as or better than I receive when I interact with other people.Yeah, something next to normal- That’s the thing I’d like to try. Close enough to normal To get by…