Another anniversary in this packed season, and this one is quite dreary. Six months since she passed. At least I’ve stopped counting days and weeks. After six months it seems that all the memories of the good thirty years together are overwhelming the horrible memories of how I lost her, just in shear numbers. That is good, and as it should be.
The weather completely ignored the sad anniversary and delivered another beautiful May day. Everything is in bloom, the cherry tree, the viburnum, the lilacs, even some of the early irises.
I feel like I should be making some kind of assessment here, but the milestones are kind of fuzzy, especially with this falling amidst so many other prominent days. The 31st anniversary of our meeting just past, the third anniversary of my mother’s death, less than a week away, Mother’s Day coming this Sunday, and to cap it all, our thirtieth wedding anniversary less than two weeks away. Too many emotions jammed into too little time.
Everything is still a big tangled ball of yarn, but I’m slowly starting to separate the threads. Well maybe identify them, I’m not really sure I’ve been able to untangle anything yet. Ever so slowly, I’m beginning to see ‘I’m lonely because I miss her’ resolve into ‘I’m lonely and I miss her’. I can’t do much about the missing her part, but I can work on the rest, once I get it separated out.
A lot of things are tangled like that. She was so many things all rolled into one, best friend, confidant, lover, mother of my children, social secretary, theater buddy, Bad Idea Bear, anchor to the home. Some of those voids can be patched over time, some will never be repaired. Right now I keep fearing my decision-making ability is so badly damaged without her that I’m going to just keep making chains of bad decisions. That has had me really jammed up about what to do with the house.
Barbara kept a journal on the construction of the house, pretty much just photos and captions, but there were quotations on the bottoms of every other page. She left a bookmark on the pages AFTER her last entry. The pages are blank except for this quote across the bottom:
“Take action, even if you fear failure. If you make the wrong choice, the consequence is simply that you have to keep making choices.” – Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, ChoiceMaking
Damn, she did it again. I get the hint. I’m putting the house on the market tomorrow.
I did say this was a journey. Time to get unstuck and leave that front door behind.